Reflections on a Personality

As I once again struggle with a downturn in my poker bankroll, I tend to find myself constantly reflecting on the evolution of my poker game and whether an apex has been reached in my learning curve. There are nights that I find myself aimlessly sitting at the tables; playing A-B-C poker and waiting for "monsters" instead of actually playing poker. "It's about everything but the cards"....that's what they say. But it seems that over the past month, more times than not I find myself feeling lost at the tables with no sense of my image, feel, position, etc. at the table.

The past day started me thinking about whether I have reached a point in my poker game that I have reached many times in other facets of my life. I've never been one to buy into the modern-age personality or psychological disorders that we find plastered all over Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. etc. Obsessive compulsive, Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression, Addictive personality....I've never, ever thought that I would ever fit into any of those categories. I have always considered myself the most well-adjusted, normal person amongst any circle of friends that I have travelled in. But as I reflect on my last 20 years of adult life, I seriously wonder if I fit the clinical definition of addictive personality.

Now let me be frank...I really don't know if that is even a clinical definition. I'm not sure if having an addictive personality is actually a real thing. But let me give you several examples of what I am referring to. Throughout my life, I have latched onto new and exciting things in my life and have dove 150% into them.

-In 1994, I became interested in Martial Arts. I began training at a local Hapkido studio and trained relentlessly for four years. I was awarded a black belt in Sin Moo Hapkido. After receiving my black belt, I stopped training shortly after and never returned.

-In 1998, I joined the K-9 unit at my police department. I became obsessed with the Police K-9 world and ended up winning over 20 different awards at regional K-9 competitions throughout the Western United States. I became one of the best K-9 handlers in the history of our department. But less than three years later, I was promoted and left the K-9 world behind.

-In 2002, my wife had just finished her Master's degree and I decided that I wanted to get one. I quickly enrolled in the MPA program at C.S.U.N. and got my Master's degree less than two years later.

-In 2003, I became hooked on poker (as you've seen from my other posts). I bought and read over 60 poker books. I memorized every WSOP and WPT episode. I accessed the Top 10 poker websites every single day religously. Half my wardrobe became poker-related regalia. We turned our dining room into a poker room. I know more about poker history and the daily happenings of the live and online poker world than all the people I know combined.(Are you seeing a recurring theme here?)

-In 2005, I became reintroduced to the sport of Mixed Martial Arts. I have since become completely obsessed with the sport. I know every fighter, every organization, all their statistics, all the history of the sport, etc. etc.

I have managed to write a relatively long post and probably say nothing of substance. I'm not even sure if I made a point. What I was trying to get across was that I have had a series of events in my life where I latch onto some concept or hobby and just go balls out 150% until I reach a certain goal....black belt, Master's degree, K-9 awards, etc. I'm hoping that poker does not become one of these "hobbies" that I lost interest in after 3 or 4 years. It wouldn't be the first time....

There is no question that I am addicted to poker. Playing it, railing it, reading about it, talking about it...But do I have the longevity, the willingness, the drive, to take my game to the next level. Do I have the ferocious discipline necessary to separate myself from the masses and reach levels that I have been able to reach in other aspects of my life? Or will I fizzle out and move on to my next conquest like I've done before?

My goal is an WSOP bracelet...it has been for 4 years. I haven't reached that goal and I don't plan on stopping until I get there. I'm addicted.......but sane. If you continue to follow my adventures, you'll surely see whether I reach the apex...or fall into the abyss.


Thanks for reading,

W2D